These Poems I wrote during my teens and 20s primarily reflect on life, death, and relationships during those times of my life.
Poems From My 20s:
Tawakoni
My body rests
beside the lake,
I listen.
And hear,
very quiet almost silent,
gentle lapping
of water
against broken bricks.
That soft sound
caresses and massages
my soul
into a state of peace,
muting my thoughts
and questions.
Matthew
March 9, 2008
To Live
Suffering, learning and growing
Through self imposed
Images of lies
I've never heard.
When touched by cold hands
I taste vomit,
My bones and muscles
are weakend.
Meaningless answers
to jealous questions
penetrate my ego,
clouding my mind.
I vainly despise
The past, Here
I am, so is she
Inhale, forget, Live.
Matthew
February 7, 2008
On The Edge
I stand on the edge
Wanting to be free,
Fulfilled and fearless.
The sun fell again,
The canyon is dark,
I'm afraid once more
To let myself fall
Face down and hit ground.
Matthew
January 24, 2008
Naked I Want To Stand
Lovers of the past I knew wouldn't last, Have been forgotten so fast. So thirsty, I've never been To feel love within, Deep beneath my skin. As my youth impatiently dies, Inside me, new fears arise Of watching sunsets with lonely eyes. Naked I want to stand Before one who could understand Everything I am.
Matthew
January 19, 2008
Offering
Fear of giving Without recieving, Left alone, Dirty empty hands Is all I am.
Matthew
January 12, 2008
Eclectic Dreams
Entering my mind, Contorted and twisted, Lost images Entwine themselves Causing unreal chaos Inside a fictious, Temporarily Constructed universe. Distorted stories Reveal themselves Everlasting vanity, As they consume My constant nightly Sleeping hours.
Matthew
January 8, 2008
A Winter Day
I stand and stare
At the grey sky
Cars drive by, red
blue, blue again.
Here a brown roach
Of an old dream
Creeps closer to
My cold bare feet.
Cows are eating
Yellow dead grass
Neighbors and their
Voices I hear.
I share an Ic-
Y breeze with rust
On my cold nose
In December
Matthew
December 13, 2007
Stopping
I hear her screaming
About him not breathing
I'm coming
This situation is so confusing
I'm just watching
And Standing
His heart is stopping
Everyone is helping
No ambulance is rushing
The taxi is waiting
His heavy body I'm carrying
His dead eyes staring
Her constant crying
Everything is ending
Something is missing.
Matthew
Feburary 6, 2004
Maestro ?
In a room for teaching
And gaining knowledge,
There are no ears
To hear my words.
Silent questions
About a silent poet
Will never be answered.
The sillas are watching,
Waiting, and dancing
To hear my voice.
The sickening absence
Is a trophy
Of my talent.
Matthew
July 24, 2003
Eyes
We had a talk
With our eyes
About our connection
Of physical attraction.
We sat down
Next to our lovers
Talking to eachother
A glance at a time.
We learned so much
About a stranger
That can't be said
Only remembered.
Matthew
July 5, 2003
Sunset
The on coming days were so bright
Then someone handed me a shotgun in my right
And taught me how to shoot at night.
I shot my sun from its sky
And watched it fall and die.
Matthew
June 8, 2003
Tree
Wise old tree
That has seen more life than me
Teach me to stand strong
Even when things are all wrong.
When your limbs are covered with snow
You seem to constantly grow.
In the spring
The birds sit on you and sing.
You always share
The fruit you bear.
Wise old tree
Teach me to be
As wise as thee.
Matthew
October 9, 2002
Come With Me
Your body is still
Your dead a hundred times
Come with me
Get up and breath
And stop your silence
Come with me
Your wings are wet
Let me help you fly
Come with me
We should leave now
This world is not ours
Come with me
Matthew
May 10, 2002
Sickness
I’m tired of living
In this suffocating cage,
I want to vomit up
My depressed body,
My eyes want to lower their dams
But my heart won’t let them.
Grieving has become too painful
For my soul to deal with,
But I know soon,
This misery will end.
Matthew
Feburary 5, 2002
Regret ?
Wide awake
I lie
In this
small
uncomfortable
Bed
In between 2
rough
green
Army blankets
Peering through the bars
where the light comes from
The same bars
That I looked through last night
and the night before
I wonder
should
or shouldn't I
regret my sin
I think I should
but
do I ?
Matthew
January 3, 2002
Jail
I feel knowledgable,
I feel wise
But I'm niether
Because I'm trapped
In this place of lies.
False Happyness,
False sense of security,
We aren't criminals,
We are just common people
Who got caught
Making common mistakes.
Matthew
December 29, 2001
Falling Stars
I feel the wind blowing on my skin
As I watch the leaves fall.
Time goes on
While people die.
My life has fallen onto the ground
For everyone to see and walk on.
Looking into the sky
Where I once was
I don't understand
How I will ever be there again.
Is the life we live
A mere fall from the stars
Rather than a great travel
To be among them?
Matthew
October 20, 2001
Knocked From A Tree
I was high in a white palm tree
Breathing the happy air with my friends
When thunder sounded at my door.
Men wearing golden badges
Flooded into my world
With guns in their hands
And justice in their eyes,
My body stood motionless
As I watched my fun come to an end.
Quickly they threw us to the ground
And wrapped our wrists with metal.
We layed there in shock
As our dream became a sad reality.
Matthew
September 26, 2001
A Break In The Rain
Inhale the toxic air,
Drop the pill,
And exhale the smoke.
Everything is distorting my reality
In ways I've never experienced before.
Am I doing this for pleasure?
Or am I trying to escape
The world I've always known?
My conscience has long since departed
along with my morals.
Where did they go?
I miss them
And I want them back.
Not today though,
Maybe tomorrow.
Matthew
July 15, 2001
Pink Dolphins
The pink dolphins that swam in my stomach
Opened my eyes to the world around me.
My whole being was completely possesed,
By the electronic beats that filled the air.
The faceless people held colorful lights in their hands
And made them move and dance
In ways I've enver seen before,
In a way that everyone stood still to watch.
The touch of stranger
Created feelings of happyness in my body,
Everything felt good,
Everything was better than it was before.
Matthew
May 19, 2001
Still A Kid
My youthful anger and confusion within me stay,
I know I'm young but no longer a child,
But it seems that part of me hasn't gone away,
And my mind and heart like a mischevious boy is still wild.
When I get home from my job at the end of the day,
I take a look around my room and see my toys,
Knowing the only reason I work is for pay,
When all I want to do is fight and romp with the boys.
Matthew
May 8, 2001
Louder
The music isn't loud enough,
It's never loud enough.
I can still hear my tears
Dripping beneath my skin.
I can still hear my anger
Swearing with its bloody voice.
I can still hear my father's words
That travel through my head.
The music isn't loud enough,
It's never loud enough.
Matthew
March 2, 2001
Naked Death
What is this inside of me? I feel this anger or pain Building up within me. I want to be stripped of my clothing, My emotions and my conscience. I want to feel death's hands, Around my neck, I want to feel his boney fingers Break through my skin And grab my throat, Rip it out And stare in my eyes As I die.
Matthew
February 17, 2001
Choke
I want to leave here
And forget my friends,
Forget the good memories I have with them
And create new ones.
I want to set fire
To everything I love and remember,
I want to watch it all burn to the ground
And eat the ashes.
My memories seem so artificial,
Nothing is real.
I want to vomit my past onto the ground
And feed it to the dogs.
Everything hurts,
Everything is in vain,
Because tomorrow
I will have forgotten today.
Matthew
November 5, 2000
Play Your Music
Strum your guitars, Beat on your drums, Scream into your mic. Play you music And never stop. Play your music Till I forget Where I am What I am Who I am.
Matthew
October 18, 2000
Blurry Reflection
Today I fianlly saw,
I saw beautiful me.
I picked up my spoon,
Looked into it,
And saw my blurry reflection.
All I could recognize
Was the color of my skin
And black holes
That were my eyes.
Matthew
Ocotober 17, 2000
Poor Spider
Poor little spider,
Looking for food,
He made a wrong turn,
And ended up in my room.
He crawled round and round,
Finding only dust and hair.
His small stomach,
Longing for something to eat,
A fly, an earwig, or
Just a little ant.
Searching in vain for days,
His hairy legs grew weak,
He colapsed on the carpet,
Curled up his legs,
Closed his eyes
And died.
Matthew
September 16, 2000
Poems From My Teens:
A Dead Frog
Beautiful, beautiful frog,
Where did the life in your body go?
Stiff and stale like a log,
How this happened to you, I do not know.
On the sidewalk you took a park,
And stayed there till you died.
The hot sun burned your skin dark,
And the ants, took away your inside.
A dead frog, such a sad thing to see,
I know my days, like yours were, are few.
You still eyes stared at me,
And said, "this will be you."
Matthew
August 6, 2000
Living A Lie
A child I once was,
With pure and innocent eyes.
I looked up to my parents,
Ignorant of their faults.
With time came age,
With age came wisdome and knowledge.
I saw the floor that I walked on,
Was a floor of lies.
The roof that protected me from rain,
Was a roof built from deceit.
The walls saw the violence
And the window reflected my tears.
The haunting memories of her depression,
And His hateful words still echo in my head.
What was known as truth was a lie,
Where I was safe, I became scared.
Matthew
July 28, 2000
Silence The Noise
Bullet in the brain Blood on the tongue Death and destruction Is all we love Dity roads Created by dirty minds Are growing wider With every step Men walking without a conscience Unaware of their evil deeds Women living with out love For themselves and their children When will it end? When will it stop? How long will it take To silence the noise
Matthew
May 26, 2000
Time Consuming Glass
Everyday we place out eyes,
In front of a glass of lies.
We allow it to comsume al out time,
An addiction that should be called a crime.
Matthew
May 9, 2000
Never End
I don't want to close my eyes,
I don't want to go to sleep.
What would I dream,
Where would I go?
Matthew
January 23, 2000
Memories
We cling onto objects from out past,
To remind us of times that didn't last.
Tears of saddness roll down our face,
Wishing we could restart this race.
Tears of anger call to the floor,
Knowing we could've done more.
As our memory begins to fade,
More are being made.
Goodbye they kissed,
Memories forgotten are not missed.
Matthew
October 9, 1999
Clouds
They float above me in the sky,
People say ther's where you go when you die.
Making the world wet,
You can fly above them with a jet.
Shooting out bolts of light,
I like to watch them day and night.
Matthew
July 4, 1999
Remembering
I sit here thinking of my past,
Of friends who stayed and didn't last.
Thinking of all the love and hate,
And the women I wanted to date.
Regretting my mistakes,
Remembering my birthday cakes.
Feeling every past pain,
Loving memories of dancing in the rain.
Hurt from all the rejection I've had,
Remembering those I made happy that were sad.
Angry at the times I've acted like a coward,
Recalling all the places I have showered.
Mad at myself for when I acted like a creep,
Remembering the nights I've gone with out sleep.
Crying from the times I was hit and shoved,
Thinking of the songs I've heard and loved.
Suddenly I realize only 18 years are gone,
I must forget the bad, remember the good and live on.
Matthew
May 2, 1999
Christina
For so long you have been my friend,
You will remain that till the end.
So sweet and nice you have been to me,
That side of you I wish everyone could see.
You have always been so sharing,
For you I will never stop caring.
When people treated me bad,
You were there to make me glad.
I am so grateful that we met,
For you my friend I will never forget.
Matthew
December 7, 1998
Evil Web
This evil web, I fell into it's trap
I tried to struggle and fight to get free.
Circled by dark and cold my skin grew chap,
Looking around, all my friends forsake me.
Jerking my body, I became more wound,
In fright I cried out for my salvation.
By myself, an escape I have not found,
Trying to get free from this creation.
In the deep darkness I saw a bright light,
In the sky I saw a spiritual hand.
It grabbed me and freed me from my fight,
It placed my feet upon solid land.
In God's pure hands I shall forever be,
Wherefore death and hell I shall never see.
Matthew
October 8, 1998
Revenge
You threatened me, You hurt me And You humiliated me I vowed revenge Days went on You continued My revenge grew Again I vowed revenge The day came I took the opportunity My revenege vanished But I became sad
Matthew T Rader
November 23, 1996
Hurry
I sit here being bored,
Wasting time I can't afford.
I have things to do
And places to go.
I have friends to meet
And work to complete.
With massive energy building up,
I want to stand and scream,
But that isn't how I want to be seen.
The teacher talking away,
I pay no attention to what she has to say.
If right now the bell would ring,
I would burst from my chair and sing,
But unfortunately it doesn't do a thing.
Seconds to minutes and minutes to hours,
I don't think this day is ours.
Thinking of everything from soap to dope,
Nothing will give me hope.
Looking forward to nothing but test,
I'm going to fail like the rest.
Matthew T Rader
March 5, 1996